So now what?

Jan. 1st, 2017 01:03 am
indeliblesasha: Bright highlighter-pink tulips with yellow tulips in the background surrounded by bright green foliage (Default)
There it goes, the last minute.

Every single person I love now resides in 2017.

2016 will forever be the worst year of my life, and 2017 has the distinction of being the first year of my life I will live through entirely with only one living child.

I think, though, that I will be okay.
I've lived in Colorado for eight years in October. It is my home, I love it here so fiercely I cannot imagine living anywhere else, and that includes my hometown even though I love it dearly. I am continually in awe as we drive just about anywhere. Coming around a curve, or over a hill on a side street can be breathtaking. It hasn't gotten old and I doubt it ever will.

I have often heard people who didn't grow up in southern Arizona wax poetic about the landscape that I took for granted my entire life. It's brown, guys. Even the green of the trees is brown. The saguaros are cool, I guess, but they are EVERYWHERE. We decorate with rocks. We wear flip flops on Christmas day. I've never quite understood people (particularly those from the eastern part of the country) who called our boring desert "ethereal" and "beautifully alien" and "it's like being on a completely different planet" and "the sky is so BIG and so BLUE." Uh, okay?

But I've been away just long enough, I've visited huge cities just enough, I've grown so used to my new environment that despite my frequent visits home, it has finally sunk in.
A few weeks ago I snuck into Arizona for a week to hang out with my dad after his knee surgery. We took the back roads from Sky Harbor to Oracle Junction and as I drove along quiet, tidy blacktop - mostly alone on the road with the music of my childhood softly playing on the radio, my dad silent and sleeping in the passenger seat - my breath caught, gooseflesh raised on my arms, and I felt a little teary eyed.

The whole area had been drenched in unseasonable rain in the week preceding my visit and the desert was alive in a way we usually only see in the spare weeks right before it hits a hundred degrees. The sky was crisp and brightly blue, wild flowers lined the roadside. It was good there was absolutely no one else on the road because I caught myself many times leaning far forward over the steering wheel and gazing in awe at the pristine white clouds; massive blinding thunderheads building higher and higher, climbing far into the cobalt that stretched all the way to the horizon.

We don't really get clouds like that here. Our storms tend to crawl across the sky in a great grey mass, overtaking the pale blue steadily, light drizzles giving way to heavier rainfall.

It was breathtaking. It was ethereal. It was alien. It made me so homesick I nearly shook with it.

It was hot that weekend, right before I left. It wasn't so bad in Mammoth, dad lives right next to the river, but I drove into Oro Valley to have lunch with Amanda (we've gotten to see each other three times this year. It's kind of surreal to be honest) and get some groceries for dad and it was hot.

It wasn't quite a pleasant sort of hot, especially since fall was beginning to march its way steadily into Colorado, but it was a familiar kind of heat. Hot in Colorado is sharp, occasionally damp and cloying. But it *is* only a couple of months.

Hot in southern Arizona is total. It envelops you completely, not just where the sun touches your skin. It radiates from the ground, the plants, the *air* is furnace-like. It wasn't comfortable, but it was *comforting*.

Today I got caught in a link spiral through a series of lists about the truths of Tucson. They're funny because they're so true. The end result, however, is that now I'm sitting here waxing poetic about the place I grew up even though I was glad to leave and am glad to be where I am.

I present, in a vague sort of numerical order, a glimpse of my hometown to amuse my Tucson-native friends, and those who've never been there, alike.

Nine Things Only People From Tucson Will Understand
Ten Tucson Stereotypes that are completely accurate
Twenty-nine Things People From Tucson Have To Explain To Out-of-towners
Thirty Things You Need To Know About Tucson Before You Move There
Fifty Things You Probably Didn't Know About Tucson
They are simply gone.

Hazel Anne was seven months old when she was diagnosed with Anaplastic Ependymoma. She and Gus shared the same doctors, and nurses. From diagnoses to surgery, to radiation and on, we have shared our entire journey with the lovely Miss Hazel. Sadly, she had recurrent tumors diagnosed when Gus started chemo in January of 2013.

I put her MRIs on my calendar so I knew when to be there to support her mom through the stress. Her mother was who I reached out to when I scheduled Gus' - only she knows what that day feels like. It was through Hazel's mother I knew of Campbell Hoyt, whom I spoke of previously.

Recently Hazel's disease progressed and she had another round of radiation to hopefully shrink the tumors a bit, and give her relief. She was doing so well.

Last night Hazel was admitted to the hospital for pain control and quite unexpectedly...left. She was just three years old.

There are not words enough in any language to express what the loss of a child does to your heart. There is no way to say "I am so sorry" to her parents with the weight if what it feels like to know that she is gone, and there is nothing at all that will console them, and her grandparents, her entire family.

There is a hole in the world today.
I wound up rambling at [personal profile] dine a couple days ago about my need for a project. It rather helpfully pointed me in the right direction, so thank you. :)

Camping and fishing and cleaning. These are my projects, in addition to my writing challenges.

I'll tuck all this musing behind a cut, kay? )

So. Do you go camping? Tell me things. It's been a long time for me, and I was never in charge.
I realized today I was contemplating adopting a puppy because it would take a lot of attention and work.

My house is relatively clean, the Cup is a slow build to the gut wrenching anxiety part, the garden is in the spring holding pattern that always happens until early May, the pigs don't require a whole lot, I'm not writing, and I'm taking a break from fandom.

I need something to do.


Apr. 22nd, 2014 04:22 pm
indeliblesasha: Methos with his eyebrows raised. Text: (plots) (*plots*)
There's a thing I want to do and I wonder if I have the ability to follow through.

I want to record a video on my birthday every year until I die, for my children. )
We got the call today, his bloodwork has already returned to normal, a full month+ sooner than expected.

Until one of the many many (many) MRI's he has in the next 6 years says otherwise, my child has survived, beaten, and fully recovered from BRAIN CANCER.

I? Am a proud and relieved mother today.

I'm a little back on Facebook, but not really because it's that horrible time of year where people get sick of the heat and everyone is fucking grouchy about everything and the political climate in the US is basically poisoning everything.

So even people I like are posting shit that irritates me. So I'm largely avoiding.

Here's some more stuff I'm not posting on FB (and that I'm also not a hrefing to make pretty because I want to knit): This pleases me. That he was found competent, that he has the wherewithal to see that pleading guilty will save his life, and that there was never any chance he was going to get off. I'm really sick of the freaking Personhood Amendment. A man and his dog. And the things we will do for our furry family members in order to help them feel less pain. ♥ This is a pretty cool article about the winds of change in media where gay rights are concerned. Go watch this video and revel in the greatness of humanity, and send a silent congratulations to the people who raised this young man.

This is what my yard looked like in June of 2011. Isn't it gorgeous and lush and amazing? We had watered nothing, in fact we had been gone for 6 weeks, and our good friend and contractor had mowed for us, in the narrow window that it was dry enough. It rained a LOT last year,

Now the thing is, it looks really pretty in this picture. Hell, it took my breath away after 6 weeks in Southern Arizona.

But that's a lot of over grown plants. They are starting to choke each other out and invade into the yard, and so the time has come for me to go to war with the plant life. It's for its own good, honest.

I have no pictures of the front yard, sadly, because the transformation out there has been amazing. We basically had a thicket growing on the front corner, and our contractors very kindly took it all out using chain saws. It took them half a day. Two of them. With chainsaws. The pile of branches and trunks is epic. (And hopefully gone soon. Because the neighbors are starting to look at us funny. Oops.)

Anyway, this is largely for my own amusement, a retrospective of what the yard has looked like the last few years, so this June I can compare and see if I did good, or just, you know, made a total mess of things. :D

There's a bunch of large pictures of my yard under here. )

So there you have it. My green and rather lovely but horrifically over grown yard. I promise I'll take more pictures when it grows in. :)


Aug. 15th, 2011 11:08 am
indeliblesasha: Bright highlighter-pink tulips with yellow tulips in the background surrounded by bright green foliage (Baby - I knew I loved you)
If you have breastfed, are breastfeeding, will breastfeed, or love someone who has/is/will, please read this article:

Dysphoric milk ejection reflex: A case report

This was my hell while I breastfed my sons. I have thought there was something wrong with me for more than two years because I was ashamed to talk about it, and when I did I was assured that we all have our bad days and it would pass.

It never passed.

By the time I got to this quote from a mother who suffered the same thing,
"If you read Harry Potter they talk about the creatures that suck the soul out of you and when they are around it makes you cold and you start to focus on negative things and fall into this abyss of negative thoughts - that is how D-MER was for me at times. I hope the research you are doing helps you come to some conclusions. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do."
I was sobbing so hard my oldest climbed into my chair and wrapped his arms around me repeating he yuvs me over and over, my husband was trying to figure out what was wrong and I couldn't tell him, I could only hand him the computer and make him read.

I remember standing in the shower when Charlie was a week, maybe two, old and bawling and shaking and hating myself and my children and resenting the hell out of everything in the universe as milk ran down my torso because early in breastfeeding you have spontaneous letdown sometimes.

And then it would pass. I would feel normal again, aside from the intense guilt from having had those thoughts to begin with.

If I had only known. If someone had been able to say to me "this happens. It's not *you*, and it can be *helped*" it would have completely changed my life.
Hi! I owe a vacation wrap up and, like, a billion pictures, and, um, the story of how it came to be we have a teenager again.

But I'm hoping to placate you with pictures of my gorgeous kids.Pictures, they are big. )


May. 28th, 2010 08:57 am
indeliblesasha: Black and white sketch of a camera (looks like my dad's old 35 mm) (Misc - Camera)
My camera is a Nikon D3000. It's listed as a $550.00 camera, but I got it on sale at Target for less, and you can get it on Amazon for as low as $400.00. For a couple hundred more you can go up to a D5000. But. Um. I'm glad I didn't? Cause this one is already a little out of my league. Or, a lot.

Do I need to specify that there are pictures behind this cut? )

Holy Crap.

May. 27th, 2010 09:54 pm
indeliblesasha: Gif icon with Rodney looking excited, alternating with Yay! text (SGA - Yay!)
Received my birthday present from husband today.

Is dSLR I picked out.


Am intimidated.

Am not easily intimidated by anything, ever.

This is one bad-ass camera.

Glad I bought the "newbie-friendly" and not the "omfgwow" version.

Did I mention the intimidated?

It's done.

*falls over dead*

Okay, well it's done enough. I still have plans to put pansies in in the gaps, but if I don't get around to it I won't mind too much.

I am going to do a summary post on TAM from beginning to end, but I am SO exhausted I am simply going to give you before and after right now.

This is what I started with.

And this....

Is what it looks like right now.


(Part one, Part two.)


Is chives, not onions.

Also, daffodils. The bulbs look like white onions? It's bizarre.

Homeowner hauled off BAGS full of bulbs.

I still have a BILLION.

I put them on Craigslist, hope people come and take them. I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY TRASHCANS.

Pictures! )

And now, I'm going to go shower the mud off. And try not to fall asleep before the sun goes down. Heh