Aug. 15th, 2011 11:08 am
indeliblesasha: Bright highlighter-pink tulips with yellow tulips in the background surrounded by bright green foliage (Baby - I knew I loved you)
[personal profile] indeliblesasha
If you have breastfed, are breastfeeding, will breastfeed, or love someone who has/is/will, please read this article:

Dysphoric milk ejection reflex: A case report

This was my hell while I breastfed my sons. I have thought there was something wrong with me for more than two years because I was ashamed to talk about it, and when I did I was assured that we all have our bad days and it would pass.

It never passed.

By the time I got to this quote from a mother who suffered the same thing,
"If you read Harry Potter they talk about the creatures that suck the soul out of you and when they are around it makes you cold and you start to focus on negative things and fall into this abyss of negative thoughts - that is how D-MER was for me at times. I hope the research you are doing helps you come to some conclusions. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do."
I was sobbing so hard my oldest climbed into my chair and wrapped his arms around me repeating he yuvs me over and over, my husband was trying to figure out what was wrong and I couldn't tell him, I could only hand him the computer and make him read.

I remember standing in the shower when Charlie was a week, maybe two, old and bawling and shaking and hating myself and my children and resenting the hell out of everything in the universe as milk ran down my torso because early in breastfeeding you have spontaneous letdown sometimes.

And then it would pass. I would feel normal again, aside from the intense guilt from having had those thoughts to begin with.

If I had only known. If someone had been able to say to me "this happens. It's not *you*, and it can be *helped*" it would have completely changed my life.

Date: 2011-08-16 03:02 am (UTC)
litotease: (Default)
From: [personal profile] litotease
That sounds like a horrible thing to go through. I'm glad you've got a name for it now.


Date: 2011-08-16 08:06 pm (UTC)
litotease: (Default)
From: [personal profile] litotease
I am neurotically hyperventilating! ::g::

School starts a week from Thursday, and in my head I am swinging wildly back and forth between

"OMG, OMG, WTF was I thinking, trying to go back to school at this point in my life? I am so not as sharp as I used to be, and they've let me into the premier public research institution on the planet, where being a really sharp cookie is the bare minimum admissions requirement, but that's based on grades I earned before age and chemo stole my brain and ::can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe::"


"OMG, OMG, OMG, I've only got a year to everything together for grad school applications! I've got to take the GREs--oh, shit, should I do that now before I'm too stressed or later after I've gotten back into the swing of thinking like an academic? And I've got to get to know some professors well enough to get meaningful letters of recommendation, so I've got to research teachers and hit up their office hours. Sweet Jesus, can I handle a research apprenticeship along with full time classes? Can I land a research apprenticeship? Schools! I've got to research grad schools! GOOGLE IS NOT BEING HELPFUL!!! ::can't breathe can't breathe can't breathe::"


Date: 2011-08-21 09:03 pm (UTC)
litotease: (Default)
From: [personal profile] litotease
I am happy that "adorable" is the adjective you chose, because I can think of a few pertinent others!

I just keep reminding myself that in a few days, all of the neurosis will be meaningless because the shit will have hit the fan, and I'll be too busy dealing with it all to worry!


Date: 2011-08-18 08:42 am (UTC)
vulcanelf: (Default)
From: [personal profile] vulcanelf
Wow. Seriously eye-opening.

January 2017


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