[personal profile] indeliblesasha

I haven’t been posting here a lot - my dear friend Eliza and I and two dozen AMAZING women started a little project with big dreams, and it’s been taking up all of my bandwidth for the last few months.

Way back at the beginning of our site, I wrote about how I got into hockey. And also how I fell out of love with hockey. But the whole point was really talking about how I fell back in love with hockey, and wound up where I am today: co-owning a website dedicated to talking about sports (without the casual sexism that’s endemic practically everywhere else).

If you’ve been to the site, and been hanging around a lot lately, you have no doubt noticed we’re basically all-NHL-playoffs, all-the-time lately. We’re a hockey-heavy staff and I gotta be honest, recapping as many as four games a night for two straight weeks is exhausting, even for crowdsourcing it. Especially when we’ve still been figuring out how we’re doing things as we go.

But it had been super fun watching the Blackhawks make another run on the Cup, especially given that whole thing where I had just gotten back into hockey they last time they won it.

I stopped watching hockey a few weeks ago, and if you’re a regular to the Cup Check you might have even noticed that my almost constant presence on the recaps dropped to absolutely nothing very suddenly.

My involvement in keeping the site up and running came to a screeching halt on May 13th, when my six year old was diagnosed with recurrent brain cancer.

It took me a few days to find my feet again. I’ve been in and out the last couple weeks, but mostly out.

I’ll be honest, I’m having a lot of trouble, guys. I said before that for me, cancer and hockey, hockey and cancer, they go round and round, forever entwined in my heart and my mind.

It’s hard to watch the Hawks play right now: completely aside from the fact they LOSE every time I watch - the first time I watched them head into the final round we were recovering from the hell of treatment, and this time we’re getting ready to start over again. My first grader lays awake at night worrying about dying. My kindergartener clings to me while he worries about his big brother getting “stuck in the hospital again” because the last time we did this it was RSV season and he couldn’t visit.

My friends whose children have already died of this cancer are checking in with me regularly, because they know this fear. My new friends, the families in the boys’ classes, are rallying around us all with love and kindness and support and food (and wine, never underestimate the wine).

We started the radiation process today. It gutted me in a way that the surgery didn’t. I spent thirty-three days sitting in that room while they radiated my three year-old's brain. I held him thirty-three times while he fell limp and unconscious in my arms so they could do it.

And frankly that fucked me up a lot more than I thought it did.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this a second time. And I don’t know how bad it’s going to hurt if my team loses the Cup on top of all this. It’s an unimportant thing in the grand scheme of the world, but simple pleasures can make the most difference sometimes.

Hockey and cancer, cancer and hockey. Round and round we go.

Date: 2015-06-09 04:27 am (UTC)
cathexys: teen wolf: stiles and dad hugging (twolf hugs)
From: [personal profile] cathexys
I didn't know about your web site, but it looks great! Of course hockey season is almost over, but I'll keep it in mind for the fall :)

As for the rest--I can't even begin to imagine what this must be like, how going through it all again brings up everything and makes the present that much harder. I'm wishing you all the strength to get through this yourself and be able to be there for your kids, because when push comes to shove, we aren't allowed to break down, because they need us, right?

I know you mostly talk other places, but I always appreciate you checking in here with us, so thank you!

January 2017


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