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indeliblesashaThere's this thing that happens, more often lately than before. It's not a bad thing or a good thing, it's just...a thing.
As we've started focusing really hard on cleaning and sorting and shedding all of the *stuff* we collected over the years we're uncovering all sorts of things. Stuff that makes me say, "why on earth did we keep that!?" or, "oh wow, I've been wondering where that went."
We don't need this anymore, that was a stress purchase, this is from when they were toddlers, wow.
Those jeans haven't fit in ten years! Heh.
But the thing that happens as I pull boxes out and sift through the usual opened credit card applications I meant to shred, and the water bill from two years ago - the piles of paper that were covering the counter and you just don't have the energy to sort so you chuck it in a box and call it good.
There's a drawing with Gus written on the back. And all of the air leaves the room in a flash.
It's a box you put together purposely before he even died, of things that you knew you'd want later.
And it's just unexpected. You forget you'd been stashing those things since May of 2015.
You had his signature tattooed over your heart because you knew deep inside that one day you would let go of the papers he'd written on and it would never get any more advanced.
And now you were just going to shred all those old bills but without warning you have to decide whether to keep this piece of paper or put it in the recycling bin. It's easy with Charlie's. His will be replaced over and over again, only the really unique things are kept so that he can look back many years from now and see his history. Then decide if it's memories he wants to keep longer or let them go.
Memorializing your child changes your perspective on letting go. Some parents can never let go of anything again. Sometimes it gets easier.
That thing cannot replace my child. How much of his memory does it hold, and does it bring me joy.
The seventeenth "weekly work" page is easy. No, jesus, chuck it.
But this drawing, do I know when he made it? Do I know what it is? Is it just his name that catches me?
Once the first page pops up and you breathe through the surprise and make the choice, you spend the rest of your sorting preparing to find more, to choose. The further you get the easier it is to smile and file it in the recycling.
It's a thing that happens that every parent goes through to some extent, usually at the end of the school year when everything comes home.
But it's just slightly different for us.
It's a thing.
Do I keep the last prescriptions he was given for the intense drugs we used to keep him comfortable while he died?
Or not.
As we've started focusing really hard on cleaning and sorting and shedding all of the *stuff* we collected over the years we're uncovering all sorts of things. Stuff that makes me say, "why on earth did we keep that!?" or, "oh wow, I've been wondering where that went."
We don't need this anymore, that was a stress purchase, this is from when they were toddlers, wow.
Those jeans haven't fit in ten years! Heh.
But the thing that happens as I pull boxes out and sift through the usual opened credit card applications I meant to shred, and the water bill from two years ago - the piles of paper that were covering the counter and you just don't have the energy to sort so you chuck it in a box and call it good.
There's a drawing with Gus written on the back. And all of the air leaves the room in a flash.
It's a box you put together purposely before he even died, of things that you knew you'd want later.
And it's just unexpected. You forget you'd been stashing those things since May of 2015.
You had his signature tattooed over your heart because you knew deep inside that one day you would let go of the papers he'd written on and it would never get any more advanced.
And now you were just going to shred all those old bills but without warning you have to decide whether to keep this piece of paper or put it in the recycling bin. It's easy with Charlie's. His will be replaced over and over again, only the really unique things are kept so that he can look back many years from now and see his history. Then decide if it's memories he wants to keep longer or let them go.
Memorializing your child changes your perspective on letting go. Some parents can never let go of anything again. Sometimes it gets easier.
That thing cannot replace my child. How much of his memory does it hold, and does it bring me joy.
The seventeenth "weekly work" page is easy. No, jesus, chuck it.
But this drawing, do I know when he made it? Do I know what it is? Is it just his name that catches me?
Once the first page pops up and you breathe through the surprise and make the choice, you spend the rest of your sorting preparing to find more, to choose. The further you get the easier it is to smile and file it in the recycling.
It's a thing that happens that every parent goes through to some extent, usually at the end of the school year when everything comes home.
But it's just slightly different for us.
It's a thing.
Do I keep the last prescriptions he was given for the intense drugs we used to keep him comfortable while he died?
Or not.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 12:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 12:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 01:25 am (UTC)I'm glad to see you over here. I know it's grown quiet, but there are still some of us around. Quieter, but still here!!! <3<3<3
(And I have two family hugs. one found family from SGA and the other from TW, which I'm incidentally rewatching :) Sometimes going back to familiar stories and shows is nicer than trying anything new...)
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 02:30 am (UTC)Fandom totally got me through the roughest patches...well. The fic, heh. Fandom is a mixed bag lol.
I'm in the process of building a non profit to help emotionally support other parents, so I'm moving back in here in order to get back in the habit of blogging and essays, and provide something for the search engines to find things for other parents to read in the meantime. It's nice to be here, even if it's a very small audience :)
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Date: 2018-03-12 03:01 am (UTC)The power of escapism cannot be underestimated.
Looking forward to seeing you share your work here...
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Date: 2018-03-12 05:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 02:23 am (UTC)And sort of, it came up as part of the fight to keep it from being repealed. Once the president's tumblr reblogged it it went a little viral, heh.
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Date: 2018-03-12 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 05:38 am (UTC)Time is weird after death.
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Date: 2018-03-12 01:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 02:27 am (UTC)About 75% of it has gone into the shredder now, and the box of the stuff to keep is only half full, I still have like two more boxes just of his stuff to sort. It's been hard and freeing all at once.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 02:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-12 02:25 pm (UTC)