It's all plot.

If you have breastfed, are breastfeeding, will breastfeed, or love someone who has/is/will, please read this article:

Dysphoric milk ejection reflex: A case report

This was my hell while I breastfed my sons. I have thought there was something wrong with me for more than two years because I was ashamed to talk about it, and when I did I was assured that we all have our bad days and it would pass.

It never passed.

By the time I got to this quote from a mother who suffered the same thing,

"If you read Harry Potter they talk about the creatures that suck the soul out of you and when they are around it makes you cold and you start to focus on negative things and fall into this abyss of negative thoughts - that is how D-MER was for me at times. I hope the research you are doing helps you come to some conclusions. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do."

I was sobbing so hard my oldest climbed into my chair and wrapped his arms around me repeating he yuvs me over and over, my husband was trying to figure out what was wrong and I couldn't tell him, I could only hand him the computer and make him read.

I remember standing in the shower when Charlie was a week, maybe two, old and bawling and shaking and hating myself and my children and resenting the hell out of everything in the universe as milk ran down my torso because early in breastfeeding you have spontaneous letdown sometimes.

And then it would pass. I would feel normal again, aside from the intense guilt from having had those thoughts to begin with.

If I had only known. If someone had been able to say to me "this happens. It's not *you*, and it can be *helped*" it would have completely changed my life.

My camera is a Nikon D3000. It's listed as a $550.00 camera, but I got it on sale at Target for less, and you can get it on Amazon for as low as $400.00. For a couple hundred more you can go up to a D5000. But. Um. I'm glad I didn't? Cause this one is already a little out of my league. Or, a lot.

( Do I need to specify that there are pictures behind this cut? )

It's done.

*falls over dead*

Okay, well it's done enough. I still have plans to put pansies in in the gaps, but if I don't get around to it I won't mind too much.

I am going to do a summary post on TAM from beginning to end, but I am SO exhausted I am simply going to give you before and after right now.



This is what I started with.

And this....



Is what it looks like right now.

:D

The flower bed over-haul continues apace.( Part one.)

Between random rainstorms, and the occasional snow fall(!) last week, during the most inconvenient times, I only got to work on digging out the bed yesterday and today.

Oh. MYGOD. So. The irises are so overgrown in that sunny corner there are sections that are literally not in the dirt, they are simply growing on top of other root balls and bulbs.

Also, there are onions. Everywhere. The mint has not spread AT ALL. But the ONIONS? The ONIONS have spread like WILDFIRE.

I...think I knew there were onions?

ONIONS. Onions and accidental mint (it fell out of someone's glass of alcohol years ago? I guess? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, YOU GUYS!) and irises and tulips.

MOST RANDOM BED EVER.

So, I took out some more yesterday between the Farmer's Market (hooray honey mead!) and naptime (HOORAY NAPTIME).

( Also, pictures. )

Onward to part three...

omg

So, hi. I've been useless as a fangirl for the last MONTH or so. Probably more.

Lets start with getting sick. And then staying sick that turned out to be early pregnancy. And then adjusting to being pregnant. And then...Then! I had to get on a plane and head to Arizona for two weeks.

OMG I had so much fun. First I spent two days with loralienasa in Phoenix. The weather sucked but it was SO NICE getting to spend time with her, just the two of us. And the dogs. *snicker*

So then it was on to Tucson and shinybug and wedding planning. I spent the first few days with her while we busted butt and got a lot done for her wedding. Stringing lanterns, ordering plates and flatware, shopping for cake ingredients. An on and on. We had fun. We listened to podfic, we laughed about the good old days. We remembered why we have been friends for 14 years. *G* And then her beloved came into town and I skeedaddled to my mom's to attend my cousin's graduation and spend time with the fam.

Graduation was windy, my aunt and uncle bought me baby socks, grandma was prepping for double knee replacement, and there was a kitten who liked to sleep on me. I got to see my brother, and spend time with his wife, I adore her FWIW, and generally had a nice quiet time of it.

Saturday dawned and i was time to head back to Amanda and the wedding. And her fiance. Who...ah...um. See he and I used to date. And when I say date I mean lived together for a year and a half before I went completely fucking off my rocker and ruined it.

There has been some...ill will there for a long time. But we are both adults, and we both love Amanda, so we decided to try and be civil.

By the end of the wedding Sunday night, I'd gotten a couple of hugs out of him and we were downright friendly. It kind of rocked.

The wedding was BEAUTIFUL, they both SMILED...BEAMED the whole way through the ceremony and were just glowing the whole night. It was...it was an amazing thing to be a part of.

Monday took me to Mammoth and daddy and grandpa. We had cheeseburgers for dinner and watched westerns and I headed to bed early and slept until noon Tuesday. And then we thinned out the turnip greens in the garden. *G* And I helped daddy find the water leak, and then we drove by Roosevelt Lake on the way into Phoenix.

And then I landed in Denver at 11:30 pm with two extra suitcases, bringing my total return to four bags as opposed to the two I left with. *G*.

My mom likes to buy me things.

Once home I promptly caught a cold and have been down for all of the last week. I'm on the mend finally.

And that's me. Maybe I'll be around more now. :)